Completing my Bucket List

Identity – Who am I?

From the day we are born we spend a large part of our lives trying to figure out who we are.

Looking back on photos of me as a kid I seemed pretty happy.  I spent time doing the things I loved with friends who had the same interests.  PhotoGrid_1445635047723

But… turns out in secondary school that dressing up, playing the flute, having good grades, liking Pokemon and Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn’t seen as “cool”, and people spent the next four years of my life making me very aware of this.

Throughout those years I found it harder to just be myself.  It was easier to try be someone else to try fit in and be accepted – never with the cool kids mind you, I’d never even be able to pretend to fit in there.  So I started wearing baggy clothes and listening to Metallica and Slayer when I really liked Mcfly.

This didn’t really help anyway as those four years in school were spent being threatened, tripped up, stolen from – I could go on.  My school did nothing about it.  Even though I was the one being threatened they put me in separate classes.  I eventually stopped turning up and dropped out after I finished my fourth year, with grades a lot lower than I knew I could have achieved.

And that once happy kid was now a miserable teenager. 11042969_1588697944675581_349834781905067627_n

Even in my early 20’s I spent time trying to be someone I wasn’t.  I didn’t think anyone would like or accept me for being the real me.  My confidence was knocked from school and I had a hard time just letting go.   I spent a a few years in different college courses trying to figure out what I wanted to do, drinking far too much and becoming more miserable as time went on.

Eventually it gets so hard pretending and you have to accept who you are.  Unfortunately I’ve lost many friends in the past few years after I realised this, but I’ve gained some great new ones.

Around the time I wrote my bucket list is when my life started to change.  The point in the list was to write down everything I’ve ever wanted to do and not miss out on.  I met some amazing people who have helped me get out of my comfort zone, and I’ve done some amazing things I would have never thought I’d do.PhotoGrid_1445636269656

So do I know who I am now? – I’m still not 100 percent there.

But what I do know is:

  •  I like dressing up
  • I still like Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • I don’t enjoy getting drunk
  • I want to learn animation
  • I want to try larping
  • I love a cuppa tea
  • I no longer care if people like me

I still don’t know what I want to do as a career, or what I want to do with my life – but I’ll get there.   But until then I’m pretty damn happy and that’s good enough for now.
12027820_1651815115030530_312833778914609974_n

If you’re reading this thinking or feeling the same – please remember it does get better and it will take time.

I’d love to hear from you with any similar experiences or thoughts.  Have you figured out who you are or are you still discovering?

Love Laura  x

3 thoughts on “Identity – Who am I?

  1. careforyour3

    Good to hear you are no longer pretending to be something you are not Laura. I’ve spent more than half my life trying to fit in, yet always feeling I’m not a true participant. Things have changed thankfully. I don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. I’m living for now. Living for me and my beautiful family, the friends that have been there for me and new friends I’ve met along the way. It’s been exhausting hiding who I really am, not to mention confusing. Now I have all the energy I need to truly participate in life and I worship every moment. Life is a gift. Keep true to yourself. You are an amazing person xxx

  2. careforyour3

    Good to hear you are no longer pretending to be something you are not Laura. I’ve spent more than half my life trying to fit in, yet always feeling I’m not a true participant. Things have changed thankfully. I don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. I’m living for now. Living for me and my beautiful family, the friends that have been there for me and new friends I’ve met along the way. It’s been exhausting hiding who I really am, not to mention confusing. Now I have all the energy I need to truly participate in life and I worship every moment. Life is a gift. Keep true to yourself. You are an amazing person xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: