From the day we are born we spend a large part of our lives trying to figure out who we are.
But… turns out in secondary school that dressing up, playing the flute, having good grades, liking Pokemon and Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn’t seen as “cool”, and people spent the next four years of my life making me very aware of this.
Throughout those years I found it harder to just be myself. It was easier to try be someone else to try fit in and be accepted – never with the cool kids mind you, I’d never even be able to pretend to fit in there. So I started wearing baggy clothes and listening to Metallica and Slayer when I really liked Mcfly.
This didn’t really help anyway as those four years in school were spent being threatened, tripped up, stolen from – I could go on. My school did nothing about it. Even though I was the one being threatened they put me in separate classes. I eventually stopped turning up and dropped out after I finished my fourth year, with grades a lot lower than I knew I could have achieved.
Even in my early 20’s I spent time trying to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t think anyone would like or accept me for being the real me. My confidence was knocked from school and I had a hard time just letting go. I spent a a few years in different college courses trying to figure out what I wanted to do, drinking far too much and becoming more miserable as time went on.
Eventually it gets so hard pretending and you have to accept who you are. Unfortunately I’ve lost many friends in the past few years after I realised this, but I’ve gained some great new ones.
Around the time I wrote my bucket list is when my life started to change. The point in the list was to write down everything I’ve ever wanted to do and not miss out on. I met some amazing people who have helped me get out of my comfort zone, and I’ve done some amazing things I would have never thought I’d do.
So do I know who I am now? – I’m still not 100 percent there.
But what I do know is:
- I like dressing up
- I still like Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- I don’t enjoy getting drunk
- I want to learn animation
- I want to try larping
- I love a cuppa tea
- I no longer care if people like me
If you’re reading this thinking or feeling the same – please remember it does get better and it will take time.
I’d love to hear from you with any similar experiences or thoughts. Have you figured out who you are or are you still discovering?
Love Laura x